I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.