Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.