[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
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Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
A great tip. #CakeRex
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]