People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.