Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
May have had one breakfast too many
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds