Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box