If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
You Might Also Like
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.