You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.