Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Kentucky names the shit out of places
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…