Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking