She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Potatoes were such a good idea
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy