Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
mathematically impossible
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”