me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
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Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Mouse
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
The glockness monster
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.