5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.