Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”