ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
How do you milk an almond?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone