If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.