My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
❤️🦆
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.