[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.