The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Don’t talk down to me
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Haha! 😂
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.