Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
How dramatic are you?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.