everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’ve been learning to cook.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are