professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda