Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.