when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
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People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.