This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
50 shades of grey = my Liver