if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.