No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.