Only Americans understand
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Just me and my debit card against the world
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers