Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
🤣😈🤣
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like