Friday night party time 🥳
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I put the p in pants.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.