Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.