Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Deer are just ballerina dogs