Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats