the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My flabber has been gasted.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.