I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*