Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied