I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.