Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.