ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.