Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up