I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Rambo Rambow
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
also my go-to takeaway order
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil