If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.