I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
When news reporters do sports stories
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Succinctly put.
Are we there yet?…
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.