Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Camping tip: No.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos