My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
You Might Also Like
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
🤣
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.