My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend: