My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
You Might Also Like
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.