[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
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I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Happy birthday to all the women
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.