My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Damn he played himself
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
A bold strategy
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
new wife guy just dropped
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?